Seventeen minutes into the movie and the girls in front of me start talking. Not a couple of girls. A group. Like ten to twelve.
They’re disrespectful to everyone around them, leaning over one another to whisper shout, “OMG!~ I would TOTES do him!” “OMG I KNOW! The FEELS!” “I’m MELTED!” “I would give my left ovary to ride that pony!” “OMG right?!?!”
Crap like that.
I have zero tolerance for stupid ass teen girls who think just because they are in a group they can say and do whatever they want. (Teen girls in a whole can be quite brilliant. These, however, were not).
So, just as rudely as I can, I muster up the biggest SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh of my life and let it out like a battle cry in the theater. A guy behind me yells out, “Thank you!” and the married couple diagonal to me echo his enthusiasm.
The girls turn, I suppose attempting to death stare me in the blackened theater. As if I would be daunted by them. Amateurs. They’re quiet for a I’d say three minutes, and lo and behold, they start up again. The group on my left, (they looked like some college buddies) all shot glances at me as if to say, “What now?”
I start to kick their seats. The college buddies join in. We don’t them hard. Not bad. Not making any noise. But enough to be a pain in the ass. Finally having enough, I can only suppose this airhead was the leader of the cloud crowd because she jumped up and shrieked, “OMG stop kicking our seats, we’re just watching the movie!” To which she was met with the loudest decibel shattering SHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh from the guy behind me AND the married couple.
Now, the nice black girls on the right side of the theater tell the girls to shut up in a not so nice way, and I literally laugh out loud. It was more like an eruption of laughter. I couldn’t control it. God’s honest truth.
Airhead: Oh you think this is funny? You think this is funny?
Airheads friend in a hushed whisper: Come on, just sit down. Sit down.
Airhead: No. NO! I will NOT be bullied. I paid money to see this movie!
And that’s when the nice black girls stood up.
You guys, I don’t know where you come from. But I can tell you this. If black girls get pissed off and they stand up, RUN. Shit’s about to go down.
Me: You’re ruining the movie for everyone. You need to sit down.
Black girl one shifts her weight from foot to foot.
Me: You better sit down fast.
Airhead: I don’t have to do a damn thing you say, bitch!
Both black girls remove their earrings. (That’s a VERY bad sign. Like, red alert bad).
The college buddies on my left let out various comments but all were pretty much, “Oh shit, it’s about to get real.” One darts out to get the manager. I think he could have beaten Usain Bolt with his speed. I laugh again because the movie played very dramatic music at that instance, as if the cinematic gods just knew about our plight.
Airhead: **insert complete idiotic rant that I didn’t care to listen to**
Black Girl One: Bitch, I’m giving you one more chance to shut the fuck up so we can watch this movie! You ain’t the only one one who paid to see this! This is your last chance, I swear to Jesus!
Guy in back: You better take the chance!
Black Girl Two: Yeah you bettuh!
Airhead: I don’t take orders from–
And that was it. Black Girl One flies and I mean FLIES across the row and into Airhead’s row so fast that her friends jump up and popcorn goes airborne.
“What’s going on here?!?!” The manager’s voice booms from the entrance. College guy’s hands cover over his mouth in shock.
The married couple yells out, “These girls won’t shut up and we can’t hear anything in the movie.”
Guy in the back shouts, “Seriously,they refuse to be quiet!”
Airhead vehemently denies any and all allegations and points at me. I laugh again. LOUDLY.
Black Girl Two retorts, “Oh hell naw you ain’t gonna push this off on her! You haven’t shut up since the previews and all of us know who’d you sleep with now, you skinny ass ho! Dayum!”
The manager then has the entire row of girls leave the theater (we all intercede for our African American ladies who were you know, just taking care of business) and restarts the movie for us, which I felt was a very nice move. All of us in the theater enjoy quite a good movie and at the end, leave victoriously chatting with one another.
So, self righteous teenagers: when you’re in a movie, just be respectful.
And shut the hell up when you’re in the movies.